On my mind lately

I haven't blogged forever, and this blog is sorta off topic, but I felt I needed to get this out of my system.   A friend and neighbor of mine, wrote a blog recently and it got me thinking. http://mommamork.blogspot.com/  I've been thinking a lot lately, but thought I'd be brave and share what's been on my mind. Please don't feel like I'm looking for sympathy here, because I'm not. I just felt the need to get this off my chest because I really don't know what else to do. I've tried talking, but it's hard to talk to someone who isn't listening or doesn't hear you.
In the blog, she was writing about pieces of "coal" in our lives and turning them into something beautiful, like "diamonds". It got me thinking about my mom, Karin, and what has transpired between us in the past. With her recent visit here to help out with the kids, while I recovered from knee surgery, it came to my and her attention that I'm awfully angry and bitter towards her. I thought I had forgiven her and hashed everything out with her, but I guess I was wrong. I truly believe that its hitting me hard right now because of the fact that Leah just turned two, and that's around the same age as I was, when my life got turned upside down. I look at Leah and my other kids and think, "How could she have done what she did?" I could never do what she did to ANY of my kids! Never in a million years!! Granted, I'm not the perfect mother; far from  it; but I would never put my needs in front of theirs! I think what makes me so angry is the fact that she still doesn't get it. She still tries to come up with excuses for what she did and why she was the way she was! Always trying to put the blame on someone else. I don't like people like that. I believe in taking ownership for what you've done and not trying to put the blame on someone else! Or excusing what she did away and acting like its no big deal. Yes, I understand it happened at the beginning of my life and that was a really long time ago, and I need to get over it. But for some reason, I can't. I can't come to terms with it and I'm at a crossroads.

Well, she's been upset lately, because she feels from her visit that our relationship has changed and that we'll never be close or have a real relationship. NO, we will never have a normal mother/daughter relationship. I don't believe I'm capable of such a thing, as I don't even know what that is. My dad was right when he told her that they lost me a long time ago, because it's true. They did. It might've seemed like everything was okay when I found them and was living my later teen years with them, and it might've been. I didn't fully understand or grasp the gravity of what it was that she had done or caused in my life. Not until I became a mom myself, did I start to understand fully what had taken place. When I look at my children, that's when the pain and sadness sets in. That she chose the alcohol over me. That  she missed out on the best years of my life because of her decision. And yes, I believe it was a decision. We are all consciously capable of making decisions that will forever determine our life and which way it will go. I know there are some, including her, that will argue that alcoholism is a disease. Sorry, I'm not buying it. I don't believe that or never will.

I think that all of this is coming out now and resurfacing because of the fact that Dawn is starting to ask questions. Just the other day, she asked me if she has "two daddies". At first I didn't understand what she was saying, but then the light bulb went off. I tried to explain to her that I was adopted and what that means, but I think I just confused her more. She too young to fully understand. And that brings me to the issue that when my kids are old enough, how do I tell them about my past and try to explain it all to them, when I don't even understand it myself. Yes, I know that these are the cards that I was dealt and I need to handle them the best that I can. I'm just not sure I know how. That's whats so frustrating about it. I don't know what to do or how to handle it. :-(