On my mind lately

I haven't blogged forever, and this blog is sorta off topic, but I felt I needed to get this out of my system.   A friend and neighbor of mine, wrote a blog recently and it got me thinking. http://mommamork.blogspot.com/  I've been thinking a lot lately, but thought I'd be brave and share what's been on my mind. Please don't feel like I'm looking for sympathy here, because I'm not. I just felt the need to get this off my chest because I really don't know what else to do. I've tried talking, but it's hard to talk to someone who isn't listening or doesn't hear you.
In the blog, she was writing about pieces of "coal" in our lives and turning them into something beautiful, like "diamonds". It got me thinking about my mom, Karin, and what has transpired between us in the past. With her recent visit here to help out with the kids, while I recovered from knee surgery, it came to my and her attention that I'm awfully angry and bitter towards her. I thought I had forgiven her and hashed everything out with her, but I guess I was wrong. I truly believe that its hitting me hard right now because of the fact that Leah just turned two, and that's around the same age as I was, when my life got turned upside down. I look at Leah and my other kids and think, "How could she have done what she did?" I could never do what she did to ANY of my kids! Never in a million years!! Granted, I'm not the perfect mother; far from  it; but I would never put my needs in front of theirs! I think what makes me so angry is the fact that she still doesn't get it. She still tries to come up with excuses for what she did and why she was the way she was! Always trying to put the blame on someone else. I don't like people like that. I believe in taking ownership for what you've done and not trying to put the blame on someone else! Or excusing what she did away and acting like its no big deal. Yes, I understand it happened at the beginning of my life and that was a really long time ago, and I need to get over it. But for some reason, I can't. I can't come to terms with it and I'm at a crossroads.

Well, she's been upset lately, because she feels from her visit that our relationship has changed and that we'll never be close or have a real relationship. NO, we will never have a normal mother/daughter relationship. I don't believe I'm capable of such a thing, as I don't even know what that is. My dad was right when he told her that they lost me a long time ago, because it's true. They did. It might've seemed like everything was okay when I found them and was living my later teen years with them, and it might've been. I didn't fully understand or grasp the gravity of what it was that she had done or caused in my life. Not until I became a mom myself, did I start to understand fully what had taken place. When I look at my children, that's when the pain and sadness sets in. That she chose the alcohol over me. That  she missed out on the best years of my life because of her decision. And yes, I believe it was a decision. We are all consciously capable of making decisions that will forever determine our life and which way it will go. I know there are some, including her, that will argue that alcoholism is a disease. Sorry, I'm not buying it. I don't believe that or never will.

I think that all of this is coming out now and resurfacing because of the fact that Dawn is starting to ask questions. Just the other day, she asked me if she has "two daddies". At first I didn't understand what she was saying, but then the light bulb went off. I tried to explain to her that I was adopted and what that means, but I think I just confused her more. She too young to fully understand. And that brings me to the issue that when my kids are old enough, how do I tell them about my past and try to explain it all to them, when I don't even understand it myself. Yes, I know that these are the cards that I was dealt and I need to handle them the best that I can. I'm just not sure I know how. That's whats so frustrating about it. I don't know what to do or how to handle it. :-(

OVERDUE Update on Leah

I've been meaning to do this blog for well over a month now. I just never seem to have the time, or when  I do have the time, I'm too tired. I don't get how some people keep up on their blogs, especially busy mothers like me. Okay, well Leah's last well visit was back in October. She has her 9 month well visit coming up next week. (Like I said, I'm  way overdue on this. :-( ) At her 6 month well visit, she weighed 13 lbs. 11 oz. (11%),  and was 25 inches (25%). Her weight went down on the chart, as I had feared, with her being exclusively breastfed and not knowing how much she is getting, my supply level, etc. The doctor and I thought that with her beginning solids though, this should go up. With her next appointment coming up, we  should see. I have weighed her at home a month or so back, and she weighed approximately 15 lbs. then, so hopefully, she 16  lbs. or more by now.

Leah does eat well. She enjoys her squash, carrots, and sweet potatoes, but not a big fan of green beans or peas. We're working on that though. She loves all the fruits, which really doesn't surprise me, as her brother  and sister do as well. She's had puffs, Cheerios, Kix, bread, crackers, small pieces of fresh banana, and also has gnawed or sucked on small pieces of fresh apples. I'm starting to introduce chopped  up chicken or ground beef to her, as she did not care for the jarred meats, but who can blame her?

She's made a lot of progress since I last wrote and has met many milestones. She started sitting independently at 27 weeks, first baby word she uttered was "ba-ba", shortly thereafter. She started doing a military crawl at 31 weeks. She got her first tooth, the bottom left one, on December 16th at 33 weeks, and her second tooth on the bottom on January 9th, at 37 weeks. WOW! I just realized that she's 38 weeks or 9 1/2 months old already! The time is really flying by! :-( She started pulling herself up on me or people or things a couple of weeks ago, so I guess at 36 weeks or at 9 months. She could be walking soon! She loves music and anytime some music comes on, she'll start bopping to it. It's really cute.

Well, I'm sure there's more that I could add, but can't really think of anything right now. She does have her 9 month checkup next  week, so I'll try to blog about that as soon as I can.

A Bit Livid right now

After reading a friend's blog, I felt I needed to reply to what was said. As she had no place to comment, I decided to come here to vent. I must say, I was a bit shocked at what I read, or rather, disappointed. I know this is an on-going battle for us breast feeding mothers, but hopefully someday soon, it won't be an issue anymore. Here is the part of the blog that got me upset: 2. Breastfeeding in public.
~ I don't have a problem with breastfeeding, but DO NOT do it in public! Especially, when you are eating! We were at Westfield mall today and there was a family sitting right across from us. She was eating, we were eating, she puts her shall thing on for breastfeeding and starts to feed her baby. Really? They have places for that. They do have a family restroom. They actually have a family room with 4 closed in rooms for parents to sit and feed their babies (not bathrooms, but their own private rooms).

Okay, here's where I have a problem. She says she doesn't have a problem with breastfeeding, but DON"T do it in public?! REALLY??!!! So what, are we just suppose to stay at home all day, so we can feed our baby at home, or do we have to schedule our outings around our babies feeding schedules? I have tried that, and let me tell you, it doesn't always work. I understand people get uncomfortable at restaurants with moms and breast feeding, but if she took the time to cover up, what's the problem?! She atleast had a cover up. It's not like her breast was hanging out for the whole world to see! And as far as the private rooms to feed your baby, that's all good and dandy. But if you're in a restaurant, trying to eat and enjoy yourself with friends and family, you shouldn't have to excuse yourself and go somewhere else, just to feed your child. When your baby is hungry, your baby is hungry. You can't control or predict it. As a breastfeeding mother, this upsets me, as I've run into situations like  this. Once, my family and I decided to go out to eat and before we had eaten, my daughter started to fuss. Instead of letting her cry and make a scene, I took her to the waiting area and fed her. Yes, I did leave the table, as I just had a blanket to cover up with and didn't want to expose myself accidentally. If I would've had the proper cover-up, would I have left the table? I don't know. I think it depends on the situation, like the people you're with, the surroundings, the mothers feelings. I must admit, I'm not comfortable with feeding in public, but I will do it, if there is no other option. I'm not going to let my kid starve or scream their head off  because they're hungry and the food is right there. I did have to feed at the table one time when we were out, because there was no other option. I had a proper cover up and I don't think anybody else noticed. And if you asked my extended family that was with us, sitting at the same table, I don't think it bothered them either. You do what you have to do. 

And if you say, well, why not bring a bottle? First, I'm an exclusive breastfeeding mother, and being so, its not the easiest or quickest thing to do, to bring a bottle. Pumping milk is not easy and then you have to think of transporting the milk and worry about how you're going to heat it up. Yes, I know it can be done, but why go to all that trouble, when what they want and need, I have with me at all times. That's what they were made for and intended for anyways. To feed any children women might have. Until you've been a breastfeeding mother and know what it's like, don't judge or criticize! Okay. That's it. I just really had to get that off my chest. 

Leah's 4-month checkup

Leah had her 4 month checkup on August 15th. She weighed 12 lbs. 8 oz., 23 inches long and had a healthy checkup. Everything was fine. She also saw an orthopedic P.A. this month. He was happy with her movement of her wrist and fingers/hand. Said that they were loose, not tight and restricted; which was a good sign. He looked at her x-rays taken at the hospital, and he said they looked great. He was concerned that the radial bones in her wrist might be uneven, but they are not. They are both the same length. So, everything is normal. He wrote a prescription to have a splint made up for her and to follow up with him in 2 months. She also started her OT visits this month, and those are going well as well. She's very easy to work with and her therapist thought that within a few months, there could be great improvement. The thinking is that we just need to strengthen her muscles in her forearm, to get them working to straighten out her wrist.

I'm creating this blog more as a diary/baby book keepsake for myself and Leah. Just to keep track of things as they happen, so I don't forget. Leah is rolling from her back to her stomach now, and vice versa. She started rolling from her back to her stomach at 14 weeks, and then only a week later, from her stomach to her back. She prefers to be on her stomach, so that she can look around. She's able to lift her head really well now when she's on her stomach and support herself on her forearms.